Not too long ago I was working with a client who was dealing with a “pesky” colleague. Pesky means “causing trouble” or “annoying.” And, from one perspective it appeared that the colleague was indeed being pesky.
However, there is always another way of looking at the difficult people and circumstances in our lives. More often than not, they are our best teachers. As I reflect back on my own experience, I know this. Hindsight is often like that, and not all that helpful when you are dealing with the pest (or troubling event) in the moment.
So, what is one to do? Look for the gift. That’s right. Even while you are in the midst of dealing with a difficult person or life situation it can be helpful to pause and ask: “What’s the gift here? How can I use this to learn and grow?”
For example, Houstonians were recently embroiled in one of the worst hurricanes in the city’s history. The result: deluge, death, and destruction. It’s difficult to see any gift in that. And yet, I see at least one. That are the heroic (and humble) acts of neighbors helping each other. In our increasingly polarized environment in the US, it was gratifying to see the citizens of Houston engage in acts of courage and compassion with one another. That is a gift, and it sometimes it takes a natural disaster for such gifts to be recognized.
I recently had the opportunity to practice what I preach. Hurricane Irma made a direct hit on Naples, FL–my hometown (see my Videos From Hurricane Irma). We were out of power for several days with no internet or cell phone service. Water service was disrupted and the sewer lines were backing up into my house. There is widespread damage to property in my community. Lives are significantly disrupted. And yet, the gifts are there. The folks who stayed came out of their homes and started to clean up immediately. We hosted the children of several families in our home since we had a generator. When the power came back to our house, I lent the generator to a neighbor. I saw similar acts of kindness and support throughout our community.
The main gift for me: I became aware how much I take for granted basic electric, water, and sewer service. Going forward, I will do my best to express gratitude for these seemingly simple (and essential) pleasures.
I can also share that before Irma I faced defeat and disappointment in Las Vegas at the World Master’s Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Championships. It was a tournament for which I trained relentlessly for months and traveled across the country to compete in. I was well prepared and mentally calm as my match approached. In the end, I faced an able opponent whose game was better than mine that day. I lost my first match 2-0. On the Jiu-Jitsu mat as in Thunderdome: “Two men enter, one man leaves.”
You may be wondering, “what’s the gift in that?” I asked myself that very same question. What’s the point of traveling nearly 3,000 miles for a 5-minute contest? Or, at least, that is what my inner critic was asking. When I paused and reflected upon the experience, the answer(s) came.
The first has to do with honoring the value I call “adventure.” I relish opportunities to set about massive challenges that have uncertain outcomes, up to and including death (like going out to video Hurricane Irma shortly before the eye hit). To train, travel, and compete in my 50’s in a world-class martial arts tournament honors that value.
The second answer has to do with what I learned. Going into the adventure, I believed my mind was relatively imperturbable. That was true, up until I stepped onto the mat and the referee signaled for the fight to begin. In a flash my focus narrowed, panoramic vision collapsed, and I barely noticed the vigorous coaching voice from my Professor on the sidelines. 5 minutes got collapsed into 5 seconds, and I learned how speedy my mind can still be, despite nearly 20years of mind training. Wow! That was a huge discovery, for which I am grateful. As the Boss says in Cool Hand Luke: “You got to get your mind right.” So, back to the cushion (and mat room) this week. What a gift!
The next time you get frustrated or disappointed with a person or circumstance in your life I encourage you to pause and look for the gift. If you struggle with seeing all people and circumstances as allies, then I invite you to join a small group of conscious leaders who meet approximately every six weeks to support each other in our growth and learning around this topic, as well as other practices of conscious leadership. Call me at 415-273-9890 to discuss becoming a member of our tribe.
David Langiulli is an executive coach and trainer who helps leaders flourish and thrive.