Dealing with the Death of a Loved One
In this episode, David and Margaret discussed the topic of dealing with the death of a loved one — an admittedly uncomfotable topic.
Margaret had just learned about the death of a person she cared deeply about — and was feeling the loss. Margaret shared that her friend demostrated intentionality and grace during her 18-month journey after her diagnosis of pancreatic cancer.
This had them exploring different ways people cope with their own mortality, which can include acceptance, kicking-and-screaming levels of resistance, or avoidance. And the way that the dying person deals with their own mentality can impact the texture of grief for survivors.
They emphasized the importance of preparing oneself for the inevitable end of life.
They notice that grief can linger if not properly addressed, meaning if we repress or avoid it. When we don’t experience our grief, we can become afraid of it. And when we are terrified of loss, it becomes very hard to fully love.
A Family Member’s Suicide
David talked about dealing with the death of a loved one, specifically the emotional impact of the suicide of David’s sister on his father.
David shared his observation that his father was devastated by the event — but never fully grieved. He would not even mention his daughter’s name. David believes his father’s unprocessed grief contributed to his father’s later systemic cancer.
And David also shared the impact of his father’s repressed grief on him as a young adult.
Not unlike his father, David developed his own coping mechanism of complete avoidance. He maintained that avoidance for 30 years, never speaking about this sad and massive life event. Finally, he opened up about his sister’s suicide during a leadership development program.
Margaret shared her father’s experience of losing a sibling to a drunk driver, which he also never brought up or talked about. She wondered if that might have contributed to his own resistance and suffering at the end of his life.
Boys Don’t Cry: Societal Pressure and Emotional (Un)Expression
As Margaret and David try — and fail — to recall ever seeing their own fathers cry, they discussed the societal pressure to suppress emotions, particularly for men.
Margaret shared her personal experience of how much she used to hate crying in public. That changed for her after attending the Hoffman Institute process, which led her to cry frequently and openly.
David recalled his childhood experience of being shamed for crying in school, which he believed contributed to his suppressed emotions for many years. They both agreed that the societal norms around emotional expression are changing, and there is a slowly growing acceptance of emotional vulnerability.
Grief Is Natural — And Necessary
Margaret and David discussed the importance of grieving and acknowledging loss in their lives.
Margaret shared a passage from a book, “The Smell of Rain on Dust,” by Martín Prechtel. She was gifted the book from a good friend after her father’s death. The book emphasizes the natural and necessary process of grieving.
David and Margaret encourage anyone going through a similar experience to reach out to them for support.