The phrase “radical acceptance” scares people. We get it—it sounds extreme. It sounds like you’re about to overthrow a government or dye your hair neon green. But when we use the term “radical acceptance,” we choose it intentionally.
Margaret and David choose it because true acceptance is a radical act. It goes against our instincts to fight, to fix, or to control outcomes.
Recently, Margaret wrote a brilliant article about her journey with her aging father. It sparked a conversation between us that we think every leader, manager, and human being needs to hear. Whether you’re dealing with a difficult parent, a toxic boss, or just the indignities of aging, radical acceptance might be the key to unlocking a peace you didn’t know was possible.
What is radical acceptance really?
Let’s clear up a misconception: acceptance isn’t about liking the situation. It’s not about condoning bad behavior or becoming a doormat. You can accept that a problem is happening while still believing deep down that you have the power to protect yourself.
Radical acceptance is about acknowledging reality precisely as it is, without the filter of how you wish it were.
Margaret shared a powerful story about her father. As he aged, he became grumpier and less tolerant. Their interactions left her wrecked for days—flooded with emotion and completely drained. She loved him and didn’t want to end the relationship, but it was hurting her.
When she asked her therapist for help, the advice she got was shocking: “Margaret, what do you have to put down to stay in this relationship?”
The answer tumbled out of her before she could think: “Hope.”
She had to put down the hope that he would change. The hope that he would apologize. The hope that he would suddenly become the father she wanted him to be. That is the “radical” part. It means stopping the internal negotiation where you think, If I say the right thing, they’ll finally understand.
The Squirrel Strategy
So, what does this look like in practice? Margaret’s therapist gave her a quiz. “If you’re on the phone with him and he starts being mean, what are you going to do?”
Margaret’s initial instinct—like many of us with a “pleaser” background—was to stand up for herself. “I’m going to tell him he can’t talk to me that way.”
Her therapist smiled gently and said, “Margaret, telling someone they can’t talk to you that way sounds a lot like you’re still hoping you can change how they talk to you.”
Instead, she offered a different tool: The Squirrel Strategy.
The advice was simple: If the conversation goes south, say, “Dad, I just ran over a squirrel. I gotta go,” and hang up the phone.
(For the record, Margaret never actually ran over a squirrel. It was a metaphor.)
This is about protecting yourself when you are flooded. When we are triggered, our higher brain functions go offline. We can’t respond skillfully. The kindest thing you can do for yourself—and the relationship—is to remove yourself from the situation until you can find your footing again.
Applying radical acceptance at work
You might be thinking, That’s great for family drama, but I can’t tell my CEO I ran over a squirrel during a board meeting.
Fair point. But the principle remains the same.
In the workplace, we often encounter “annoying” colleagues or demanding bosses. We spend enormous amounts of energy wishing they were different. We think, if only he would prepare for meetings, or if only she weren’t so critical.
That resistance is exhausting.
If you have a colleague who checks their phone throughout every meeting, you have choices. You can sit with resentment (resistance). You can try to change them (often futile). Or, you can radically accept that this is just who they are.
When you accept it, you stop taking it personally. You free yourself from the afflictive emotions of anger and frustration. You realize that their behavior is about them, not you.
Acceptance leads to freedom
Radical acceptance is not for the other person; it’s for you.
When Margaret stopped fighting her father’s reality, something shifted. The relationship didn’t become a fairytale, but the tension evaporated. She could spend time with him without getting wrecked. She found peace by changing the only part of the engine she had control over: herself.
This applies to everything—traffic jams, health issues, and aging. David recently woke up with an ocular migraine that left him feeling miserable. Part of him wanted to rail against it, to be angry that my day was ruined. Instead, he accepted it. This is what is happening right now. He wasn’t trying to fix it or fight it. And immediately, the suffering lessened.
We invite you to reflect on your life. Where are you resisting reality? Is it a circumstance, a relationship, or perhaps a part of yourself?
What would happen if you set aside the hope that it will change and instead let it be? You might find that when you stop fighting reality, you finally have the energy to navigate it.