Personal Development Archives - Page 2 of 15

Ep 153: With People Slow is Fast and Fast is Slow

February 5, 2025 by David Langiulli

Fundraising Leadership

Ep 153: With People Slow is Fast and Fast is Slow

00:00 / 20:38

With People, slow is fast and fast is slow

David and Margaret discussed the significance of Stephen Covey’s saying, “With people, slow is fast and fast is slow.”

Inspired by David’s slow recover from knee surgery — including his choice of entertainment during his convalescence — our hosts talk about what “slow” might mean.

David and his wife, Lillian, are watching an older TV show (David Lynch’s Twin Peaks), and it had them notice that older shows and movies often had longer camera shots and slower pacing. That cadence feels in strong contrast to the faster-paced scenes, dialogue or setting shots of more contemporary entertainment. Our hosts reminisced about how these older works of art demonstrated patience and more focus on detail. These older works moved more slowly.

It had them wondering: what might be the benefits of taking a page from the pace of entertainment from a couple decades ago — to slow down and appreciate details?

Balancing Technology and Human Relations

They discussed the importance of slowing down in human relationships.

Technology, they note, may have accelerated to a point where our nervous systems can’t keep up any more. They agreed that technology makes for speedier and efficient communication. But they also note these quick communications often leads to misinterpretation and misunderstandings.

David encourages leaders to think about what might be possible if they slow down in their communications. Specifically, he believes it is possible to recapture their intuition by seeking slower, more intentional communication methods. Even picking up the phone instead of shooting off a text might help avoid misreads and improve relationships.

Margaret touched on the generational aspect of this issue. They concur that some people may be more comfortable with faster communication due to their upbringing with technology.

The Art of Slowing Down

David and Margaret look at some areas of leadership, work and relationships that might benefit from a slow down.

The topic of tricky relationships comes up regularly in executive coaching sessions. Often, the solution and repair can only be found by more intentional and slower face-to-face communication.

Another place it might be important to slow down is in our storytelling. There is a strong relationship between patient, artful storytelling and great fundraising and leadership.

Last, slowing down is essential if we want to create intimacy and trust in relationships. Only by slowing down can we lay the foundation for better understanding and connection. Taking time to understand and connect with people will always yield better relationships than rushing.

Putting It into Action

• Listeners are encouraged to find and watch an older movie or TV show (from the 1940s to early 1990s), and notice the slower pacing and longer camera shots.
• Reflect on how patience and slowing down makes you feel when you watch — and how slowing down might serve you in your personal and professional relationships.
• Practice slowing down in your daily life, such as by taking a breath and looking around.

Ep 152: Embracing Disruptive Events and Emotions

January 27, 2025 by David Langiulli

Fundraising Leadership

Ep 152: Embracing Disruptive Events and Emotions

00:00 / 26:08

Embracing Disruptive Events: The Paradox of Planned Disruption

Embracing disruptive events and emotions? How in the world is one supposed to do that?

In the episode, as David prepares for an upcoming surgery, David and Margaret have a look at the seeming paradox of planned disruptive events. Examples might include a surgery or significant life changes such as having a friend or family member in hospice, retirement, or making an undesired move across the country.

What is the paradox of such events? We might have notice and can plan for these events — but we still can’t control the ways our lives will be disrupted. And we can’t control the range of emotions that come up when we contemplate known but unwelcome events.

David is anticipating a total knee replacement surgery. But even though it’s planned, it will be quite disruptive.

Such events can evoke a range of emotions, including anxiety, dread, and uncertainty. David was feeling all those emotions.

So how can one be with the anticipation of planned disruption?

Allow the Emotions Just … To Be

They explore the wisdom of accepting these emotions rather than trying to suppress them.

They discuss what it feels like when we have more than one emotion at a time. This can feel complicated and disruptive for people.

They also discussed what happens when we surrender to the situation and accept that the event is inevitable. Sometimes, when we surrender and accept the situation, we start the process of embracing disruptive events and emotions. Then, we can turn our focus to the potential gifts or opportunities that may arise from a tough life circumstance.

Addressing Medical Trauma and Anxiety

Our hosts talk about one possible reason for dread around an upcoming medical procedure or surgery. That is is the concept of medical trauma. This can happen when people have had negative experiences with doctors that make them resistant to seeking medical care. David shares his concerns about the bodily trauma involved in a major surgery despite being under anesthesia.

Margaret suggests acknowledging the anxiety rather than suppressing it, and finding compassion for the body’s healing process.

David talks about using trust in the unfoldment as a tool for anxiety. He also finds it helpful to stay occupied. Margaret and David concur that not acknowledging anxiety often goes worse than acknowledging it.

They relate the surgery to other life events involving grief and loss.

Emotional Impact of Disruptive Events

David and Margaret invite listeners to ask themselves: is it better to know or not know ahead about disruptive events? Are you a person who would rather know (“I’d rather plan!”) or not know (“I’d rather be surprised!”)? And, why?

They concluded by encouraging listeners to reach out for help if they are experiencing any disruptive events in their lives.

Ep 151: 2024 Rearview Mirror and 2025 Windshield

January 2, 2025 by David Langiulli

Fundraising Leadership

Ep 151: 2024 Rearview Mirror and 2025 Windshield

00:00 / 32:42

What’s in your 2024 rearview mirror and 2025 windshield?

This episode takes a look backwards in 2024 (the rearview mirror) and what’s ahead (through the windshield) for 2025.

Margaret and David aren’t fans of making resolutions. But they are all about being intentional about who you want to BE in the coming year.

Tune in to hear them discuss their personal journeys of acceptance and leadership in 2024.

Margaret’s 2024 “rearview”: Accepting a Challenging Relationships

Margaret reflects on accepting her complicated relationship with her late father, who passed away last October. Despite their sometimes difficult history, she is proud that she embraced acceptance towards the end. She was able to let go of judgment and expectations — and that transformed their relationship dynamic. This allowed them to find peace together before his passing.

David acknowledges Margaret’s intentionality in this process.

They consider the topic of acceptance through a leadership lens. All of us have difficult relationships. But when we keep expecting someone else to change or do something different, we are the ones who are constantly upset and disappointment.

Sometimes our work is not to expect a different outcome. Because if we are able to accept people as they are, rather than trying to change them, we can often discover surprising gifts.

David Celebrates a Triumphant Quest

David shared his experience of receiving his black belt in jujitsu last month. His journey took 9-years and around 9,000 sparring rounds.

He highlighted the importance of perseverance and grit.

“You never really know what you’re getting into until you get into it,” David reflects. He shares that the journey was filled with a lot of blood (literal blood), sweat and tears. It was frequently not fun.

Our hosts wonder: what are the leadership lessons he learned from sticking with something that isn’t always enjoyable? They explore the value of knowing when to persevere versus when to change course — and what might lead to break-downs or break-throughs.

David encourages listeners to reflect on their past year and identify and acknowledge themselves for something they are most proud of.

Looking Ahead to 2025: Exploring Words for the New Year

Margaret and David discussed their respective words for the upcoming year (2025). They choose words to help them aspire to how they want to BE in the coming year.

Margaret recounts doing a process with one of her teachers, Rachael Jayne Groover, and received the word “spaciousness.” David opted for the word “patience.”

They explored the meanings and implications of these words. Margaret saw “spaciousness” as a call to cultivate qualities that open up space, such as curiosity and self-management.

David, on the other hand, saw “patience” as a way to navigate the uncertainty of the upcoming year. David is aware that there is a gap now that he met his black belt goal, and that gap will require his patience. He draws inspiration from his father’s peaceful and patient nature.

They concluded the conversation by encouraging others to reflect on their own words for the year and share them in the comments of their upcoming LinkedIn post.

Ep 150: Bringing Your Heart to Work

December 18, 2024 by David Langiulli

Fundraising Leadership

Ep 150: Bringing Your Heart to Work

00:00 / 28:23

In this episode, David and Margaret discuss the power of bringing your heart to work.

“Empathy Techniques” vs. Genuine Empathy

Our hosts heard the term “empathy techniques” recently while listening to a refresh of the Positive Intelligence programs — and felt compelled to double click on this concept.

How is an empathy technique different from genuine empathy? And why would a leader or a fundraiser chose to deploy one instead of the other?

The idea of empathy as a technique sounds alarmingly manipulative. David offered a possible example: Bill Clinton’s “I feel your pain” statement. Margaret offered another example of an empathy technique: the practice of asking questions from a pre-determined list, hoping to appear curious (rather than simply being curious).

Genuine empathy, on the other hand, is the genuine feeling of another person’s pain.

Genuine Empathy Isn’t Always Simple

Allowing ourselves to feel another’s emotions — which might include anger, joy, grief, and sadness — is a very human and humane act. It’s not always easy.

Some of us have more capacity with empathy when it comes to certain emotions. For example, for some, being around other people’s anger or grief feels very hard. Their tendency would be to step over it. They might be scared to step into someone else’s grief because they don’t know how to step back out.

For others, they resist being empathic with other people’s joy. Brené Brown has notably talked about her terror around joy.

David expressed his appreciation for Margaret’s recent empathic listening about a difficult time in his life, involving the suicide of his sister and his father’s struggle with guilt.

Margaret differentiated between true empathy and faking it. True empathy might involve feeling and holding space for others’ emotions. Faking empathy might stem from being uncomfortable. An example might involve: someone shares about the death of a parent … and the listener offers words of condolence and then quickly changes the subject.

Wired for Connection

David and Margaret discussed the capacity of human beings to feel and connect with others’ emotions. It is biologically wired into us.

Still some people learn to put up emotional filters as a survival mechanism. One path to putting away some of these filters and access more real empathy starts as an internal journey to embrace one’s inner mess.

To access more genuine empathy and compassion, there are many tools, including:

Begin practicing self-compassion, or being compassionate towards oneself. David shared how he used to find it easier to generate empathy for others than for himself. Fortunately this has evolved over time.
Another way to generate compassion for others is to imagine the other person as a child. That can include considering what happened in their life to make them behave in a certain way. This tool can be particularly helpful to generate warmth when dealing with people who are unkind or critical.
The practice of focusing on the heart to generate warmth.
Making a choice to give yourself or the other person a break.

All these tools require courage.

Empathy and Emotional Intelligence in Leadership

Finally, David and Margaret discussed the importance of empathy and genuine listening in leadership roles.

This concept has applications for fundraising. It is also important in team meetings.

David suggested the practice of “clearing” to create space for team members to share personal struggles. He found this practice led to increased productivity and a more supportive team environment.

They encourage listeners to consider: bringing one’s heart to work (along with your brain!) can be beneficial.

Ep 149: Dealing with Uncertainty and Making Decisions

October 24, 2024 by David Langiulli

Fundraising Leadership

Ep 149: Dealing with Uncertainty and Making Decisions

00:00 / 26:15

David and Margaret share their strategies for dealing with uncertainty and making decisions.

How DO leaders make decisions, particularly when the stakes are high?

The conversation originated from David’s process when he and his wife had to decide whether or not to evacuate as Hurricane Milton approached. As a resident of the West Coast of Florida, it was headed right towards him.

Intuition in Decision-Making and Travel Plans

David recounted his experiences with hurricanes Irma and Ian, as he tried to extrapolate information for making a decision about the most recent hurricane, Milton. He weighed the importance of heeding warnings to evacuate and the potential consequences of not doing so.

Still he didn’t know what to do … until he did.

David’s process highlights some important elements of the decision-making process:

The importance of not forcing decisions
The discomfort of being in the “liminal space” of not yet having decided yet (“liminal space” is place between “no longer” and “not yet”)
The power of intuition in decision-making

David shared how he ultimately made a decision about how to handle the hurricane.

The “Art” of NOT Making a Decision

Sometimes, people make decisions before they know everything they need to know. Other times, people put off making decisions.

And sometimes, NOT making a decision lives in the land of Avoider, which is a saboteur. And sometimes, not deciding actually becomes a decision.

Where, they challenge listeners, is your sweet spot in between deciding too soon — and avoiding making a decision?

Intuition in Decision-Making

They also discussed the role of intuition in decision-making. How might using our guts and hearts be useful in making decisions?

Margaret shared her experience of transitioning from a cerebral to a more intuitive approach when she was looking for a new place to live post-divorce. She responds to David’s question, “How did you KNOW?”

Many of us are taught to use pro-con lists and use only our brains to weigh out consequences and run scenarios to decide. This was true for both Margaret and David, who come from a history of making rational and analytical decisions.

And cerebral decision making has value, but David and Margaret have both learned to incorporate more intuition into making choices.

Most of us can benefit from listening to one’s gut and heart in addition to relying only on lists and pros and cons.

How Emotions Tangle Decision-Making

David also hunted for a house recently. He recounts how emotions made it a difficult process.

He and his wife struggled to find a new place because they were still emotionally attached to their house. Their process involved a lot of going back and forth between their brains and their hearts.

They encourage listeners to look at the perspective of how things often work out in unexpected ways. What might the perspective of “We’ll see” have to offer you?

And if you’d like to help your team learn how to use intuition to be better leaders, please check out our trainings.

EP 148: Taking on Challenges

October 4, 2024 by David Langiulli

Fundraising Leadership

EP 148: Taking on Challenges

00:00 / 28:04

Taking on challenges: what goes into whether you say yes or no?

David and Margaret discussed their experiences with taking on challenges. They talk about how to evaluate their feasibility and impact.

Taking on Challenges: Jumping into Really Cold Water … and a Big Social Media Goal

David shared his experiences with taking on a personal life challenge: to get his black belt in jujitsu. To stay on track, he’s added cold plunging to his recovery regimen– which is an additional challenge.

Margaret discussed her challenge of posting on LinkedIn daily for 30 days. She has been at her desk at 7 a.m. at every day with her challenge group.

They both agreed that leaders tend to default to saying yes to challenges.

But is that always the best answer? It’s essential to consider the consequences.

Leaders Take on Challenges

David and Margaret agreed that leaders often take on challenges, and those challenges can vary greatly. David cites examples of significant leadership challenges taken on by leaders such as Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King. On a smaller scale, nonprofit leaders face challenges that might include leading a nonprofit to delivering aid in a crisis to fundraising.

David emphasized the importance of leaders being comfortable with challenges.

In executive coaching, conversations about challenge are common — and can be effective. Sometimes saying yes to a challenge is what helps a client go beyond what they think is possible.

Challenges, Perception, and DISC Personality Traits

David shared a recent occasion when he challenged a client who wanted to reach out to someone. David’s challenge: pick up the phone instead of sending a note. It may seem like a big challenge or a little one, but it was an important growth space for the client to consider.

They also discussed the importance of considering the potential outcomes of a challenge before committing to it.

David may have an opportunity to serve on a non-profit board. Because his default is often yes, he is considering what to do. He hasn’t yet committed.

They also touched on the different personality traits associated with the DISC model. David noted that his high D energy often leads him to challenge himself and others. Margaret, a high I, tends to focus on big ideas and completion can be her challenge. They discussed the challenges faced by individuals with different DISC traits, such as the need for action for an S and the need for more data for an C.

Embracing Challenges for Personal and Professional Growth

What might a coach see that inspires them to challenge a client? It’s not just for the sake of stepping out of a comfort zone. The discomfort of a coaching challenge is in service of leadership growth.

Some examples of when David and Margaret (as coaches) might challenge a client:

To complete a task that will help stretch this client in their growth as a leader or a person
To try something they aren’t yet good at for the sake of building more skill
To step up where a client might be holding back

A challenging task is essential for progress — even if it is uncomfortable or even if it doesn’t go well.

When challenging oneself, it’s crucial to not be 100% attached to the results of the challenge.

Embracing Challenges for Personal Growth and Resilience

David recounted his experience of gradually increasing his time during cold plunges. He initially started with 3 minutes and is now up to 4 minutes. He believes that while the cold water is uncomfortable, it will ultimately lead to personal growth and help him with his black belt.

Margaret agreed, sharing her experience of persevering through a challenge of using LinkedIn every day.

They encourage listeners to identify: where are you playing small? Where might you be willing to take some risk?

Please contact David, Margaret or Michelle if you’d like some support around challenging yourself.

Ep 143: Completion or Decay

May 30, 2024 by David Langiulli

Fundraising Leadership

Ep 143: Completion or Decay

00:00 / 22:27

In this season of graduations, Margaret and Michelle “double-click” on the importance of intentional completion.

They look at when a completion is intentional, as it is with a graduation. Such intentional completions offer ritual and celebration. They also have a positive impact on family members.

And when we look beyond graduation, our culture kind of drops the ball on intentional completions.

Intentional Completion vs. Decay

One gift of completion is that it invites intention.

When we acknowledge and observe completion, there is an invitation to say goodbye to what is finished and look at what’s next. Michelle shares the ways she and her husband are looking at their next chapter and asking, “What do we want?”

When we “ghost” or ignore the end of something rather than its completion, it can decay. This can happen when we stay too long in relationships, jobs, phases of life, or places.

How Do We Know We’ve Stayed Too Long?

Graduations and school offer predictable and reliable completion. However, when we move on in life, it can be less clear when an activity is finished.

It’s not always obvious, but if we tune in, we might know more.

Feeling deep resistance or avoidance to work or spending time with people might be one sign.

Michelle shares that clients might be avoiding completion when they start asking, “What have I even accomplished here?” Questions like that suggest that the client no longer feels purpose in their work, which is another sign that it might be time to complete.

On Arcs

Margaret and Michelle explain the concept of an arc, which is the shape of a thing from beginning to end.

One example: most of us notice when a speaker goes past their arc. It starts to get boring or have diminishing returns. Similarly, we know when a movie sequel was ill-advised. We feel they should have left the story alone.

Those are examples of how we know an arc is done.

The challenge is to pay the same attention to our own lives.

The In-Between

Michelle and Margaret note that ending an arc can be complicated. Also, sometimes, starting a new arc is not simple. It can include some serious learning.

As an example, Margaret shares that her grown son has stopped home for a while, and there is a new arc for her as a parent of an adult. Her learning is to relate with this new adult, rather than her habit of parenting the 14-year-old version of him.

When we finish an arc and start a new one, it can feel overwhelming and confusing. Margaret and Michelle challenge listeners to think about how to create from the overwhelm and chaos of transition.

Do you need some help getting through a transition? Does the idea of decay resonate with you? Please reach out for support.

Ep 142: Handling Rejection and Embracing New Perspectives

May 8, 2024 by David Langiulli

Fundraising Leadership

Ep 142: Handling Rejection and Embracing New Perspectives

00:00 / 20:32

In this episode, Margaret and David delve into handling rejection and embracing new perspectives.

No one likes getting a no. Not during a fundraising ask. Not during a potential sale. And not from a request to a family member.

Sometimes, after getting a run of no’s, we feel like we should be due for a yes. But that’s not how probabilities work. So, when the yes doesn’t happen, we can feel really disappointed and defeated.

Margaret shares a recent struggle with business development and how she got a bit demoralized when it felt like she was “collecting no’s.”

So, how is one supposed to feel better?

How Perspectives Work

We often can’t control other people’s responses. We often are at the mercy of situations.

But what we can control is how we choose to experience the circumstance. This is what we mean by choosing a perspective.

A perspective is a way of seeing things. Sometimes, we get stuck in a perspective, but a different outlook would serve us much better.

Exploring alternative perspectives is a valuable tool in coaching.

Leadership Vs. Sports Coaching

David and Margaret talk about how leadership coaching differs from sports coaching.

When we coach clients, sometimes we let clients sit in their current perspective before guiding them towards a new one. That’s in contrast to unskillful sports coaching techniques, where a coach tells the team how to feel.

They stressed the importance of empowering clients to choose their perspectives as a source of control.

A Sample Coaching Session on Perspectives

David offers Margaret some coaching on perspectives.

Margaret shared that sometimes when she collects a lot of no’s in a row, she starts standing in the perspective of Eeyore, the depressed donkey from Winnie the Pooh.

David coached her in reframing her thinking pattern from feeling defeated to focusing on hope and possibility. Margaret found solace in returning to yoga as a positive influence on her outlook. After months of being prevented from practicing by injuries, it felt to her like a turn-around moment.

Trust, belief, and hope emerged as central themes of Margaret’s new outlook, symbolized by waves on the ocean. She expressed her commitment to continuing and enhancing her business endeavors.

She likened trust to surfing, knowing waves will come and go — just like the yeses and the no’s. But holding onto the perspective of being atop an optimistic wave underlined the essence of shifting perspectives in coaching interactions.

Need some help finding a new perspective? We can help. Please reach out to one of us.

Ep 141: Discover the Secret to Silence the Inner Critic

April 23, 2024 by David Langiulli

Fundraising Leadership

Ep 141: Discover the Secret to Silence the Inner Critic

00:00 / 18:13

It was an unexpected twist. A seemingly benign LinkedIn training sent Margaret and David into a spiral to silence the inner critic.

Here’s what happened.

Margaret and David attended what promised to be a mundane topic: a training on how to write better posts on LinkedIn.

David left the training beating himself about all he was doing wrong.

His inner critic, nicknamed “The Sledgehammer,” was having its way with him.

When that Inner Critic is railing, there is suffering.

So, how does one even begin to silence the Inner Critic? By which we mean that relentless voice within that can

dash hopes,
crush spirits, and
dismantle even the most inspired of dreams.

In this episode, David, Michelle, and Margaret share their quest to discover the secret to shushing this voice in our minds.

We Don’t Judge ONLY Ourselves

Margaret had a different experience with the training from David’s.

She started by getting locked out of the paid training. She was angry at the host, the trainer, and, by extension, the content of the training.

Acutely aware of falling ‘below the line’ emotionally, Margaret judged others.

Queue: Margaret’s Inner (and Outer) Critic.

Michelle didn’t make it to the training, as she had a conflict.

She talks about “the Blob,” a voice in her mind that made her afraid of missing out on something.

Her critic started telling her she should have made the time to attend live. That’s called judging a circumstance.

The Inner Critic can lurk in unexpected places. (A LinkedIn training? Come on!)

But when it rears its head, it can have a field day. It has us judge — and find wanting — ourselves, others and circumstances.

A Simple but Profound Exercise

Margaret led the trio through a self-compassion practice, which offers a way to reframe the narrative. When we use self-compassion to step out of the shadow of criticism, we can find the light of acceptance.

This simple yet profound exercise counters the inner monologue of harsh self-judgment.

Empathy, self-compassion and quieting that Inner Critic are components of the Fundraising Leadership Positive Intelligence Coaching. This intensive 7-week program can help foster empathy within your life and organization.

Ready to transform your leadership with the practice of self-compassion?

Contact David, Michelle, or Margaret to learn how the Positive Intelligence Coaching Program helps you quiet that nasty, pestering voice that tears you down.

Your team, your organization, and your future self will thank you.

EP 140: Coaching for Accountability

April 5, 2024 by David Langiulli

Fundraising Leadership

EP 140: Coaching for Accountability

00:00 / 18:09

Coaching for Accountability

What happens when a coach holds a client’s feet to the fire?

And the follow-up question might reasonably be, “Why would anyone sign up for that??”

Actually, accountability — which can feel a lot like having someone hold our feet to the fire — is one of the many tools coaches use to help clients make the change they long for.

In this episode, David and Michelle delve into the empowering value of engaging with a coach, particularly around accountability.

Having a professional coach by your side can empower you to uncover and overcome limiting beliefs, achieve life and work goals, and confidently navigate uncertainty and ambiguity.

Coaching can help clients make the journey from where they are to where they urgently long to be.

The Importance of Coaching for Transformation

What does it look like when a coach offers a client a challenge?

A challenge offered by a coach can be a facet of accountability. The role of a coach is to invite clients to explore their own limiting beliefs. Sometimes these beliefs take some digging to find and can be uncomfortable to uncover. But often, when clients accept this challenge, they discover what’s been holding them back.

Michelle shares that for her and often her clients, sometimes limiting beliefs get so loud that we can no longer stand to hold them.

The coach creates a safe environment for a client when they are ready to stretch into something new.

They concurred on the significance of coaching in aligning with clients and providing accountability and challenges for individuals to practice new behaviors. Coaching can helping individuals define and achieve new goals.

Coaching for Personal Growth and Development

Michelle shared that she realized it was time for a coach as she was entering a new stage of her life and career and feeling unsure about her next steps.

In the Fundraising Leadership team members’ training, we learned to help clients articulate what they really want and help them get clear that they are ready to go after it. And often, the path is hard, even after we decide. A coach can help us slay our dragons (or saboteurs) along the way.

David affirmed the value of coaching in his own life, particularly for dealing with uncertainty and the ‘what ifs’. It’s also a great tool for people who aren’t having the impact they want to be having.

They both emphasized the importance of finding the right coach for a personal and dynamic relationship, suggesting that anyone feeling stuck or unsure should contact them for a conversation.