You’ve heard of the Parent Trap, but how about the trap of judging parenting?
In this episode, David, Michelle, and Margaret kick off with a story about a questionable parenting moment: should we judge it as good (Margaret wasn’t helicoptering!) or bad (she let her son eat sand on the beach)? In our work as coaches, the topic of harsh judgment of our parenting is a frequent and painful one for many of our clients.
We discuss how easy it is to fall into the trap of judging: was it right/wrong, good/bad, virtuous/immoral, productive/lazy, fair/unfair, etc.?
We judge others: as parents, leaders and humans.
We can also easily fall into the habit of judging circumstances similarly as: “There’s something wrong here,” or “This should not be happening.”
In addition, many of us have a harsh inner critic that frequently condemns and criticizes ourselves in a faulty effort for motivation or perfection. We start to ask unkind and unproductive questions of ourselves and others, which really help very little.
None of this judgment is skillful — not of ourselves, others or circumstances. It causes stress and ruins wholesome relationships – including with ourselves when we judge ourselves harshly.
Judgment leads to shame and blame, a dark space where little learning, relief or progress is possible. And sometimes, we explain, we will catch ourselves judging ourselves harshly … and then judge ourselves again for judging ourselves harshly!
An alternative way of living, which we touch on in this episode, is called Discernment. Discernment is a way of perceiving (or seeing) without judgment. We cover some questions you can ask yourself when aiming for Discernment include:
- Can I handle this in a different way? Do I have a choice about how I want to respond?
- Can I count on this person to honor their word?
- Can I sit with the ouch — with what is — without blaming or judging?
- ·What is the gift in this circumstance? What can I learn from it? Where is the growth for me in this?
- Was my behavior skillful or unskillful? Did it improve a relationship or situation? What could I have done better?
We believe that if you start looking at other people, situations, and yourself in the light of Discernment, and if you deem your actions as unskillful, you can go back and apologize or repair. In leader-speak, you can “clean it up.”
And using this skill of discernment, you can be more at peace and experience more joy and fulfillment.
If you find yourself regularly sabotaging yourself and your relationships by falling into the trap of judgment, contact one of us. We would love to help you through our Positive Intelligence Coaching Program.