Fundraising Leadership ™

Executive Coaching, Leadership Training, and Personal Development

Ep 170: Taking Your Hand Off The Hot Stove

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Fundraising Leadership
Fundraising Leadership
Ep 170: Taking Your Hand Off The Hot Stove
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In this episode of the Leadership Deep Dive, Margaret and David explore what it means to “Take Your Hand Off The Hot Stove.”  That’s a metaphor for the nuances of emotional regulation, and why simply “feeling your feels” isn’t always the same as getting burned by them.

Have you ever found yourself in a meeting where one piece of bad news sends you into a spiral of anger, panic, or self-doubt? One minute you’re fine, and the next, you’re raising your voice, shutting down completely, or mentally drafting your resignation letter.

We’ve all been there. In the world of Positive Intelligence (PQ), this sudden emotional hijacking is often compared to touching a hot stove. The question isn’t whether you’ll touch the stove—life happens, and triggers are inevitable. The real question is: How fast can you take your hand off?

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

  • The “Hot Stove” Metaphor Explained: We break down Sherzad Chamin’s concept of saboteurs and why recognizing them quickly is the first step to emotional freedom.
  • Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn: Recovery looks different for everyone. We discuss why a “Pleaser” might need to find their anger, while a “Controller” might need to find their pause.
  • The Difference Between a Trigger and a Hijack: Understanding the distinction between the initial spark (the trigger) and the resulting forest fire (the hijack) can change how you lead.
  • Why Grief is Exempt: We talk about why grief isn’t an affliction to be fixed, but a necessary expression of love.
  • The Power of Practice: Why emotional intelligence isn’t a destination, but a muscle you build over time (sometimes three minutes at a time).

If you are a leader looking to move from reaction to skillful response, or just someone tired of getting burned by your own “saboteurs,” this conversation is for you.

Join us as we discuss how to stop reacting and start responding with more curiosity, empathy, and clear-headed action.

Ready to build your mental fitness?
If you want to dive deeper into the Positive Intelligence program and learn how to quiet your saboteurs, reach out to us. We’d love to help you start your journey toward more skillful leadership.

Ep 169: Are You Deep in The Weeds or Lost in the Vision

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Fundraising Leadership
Fundraising Leadership
Ep 169: Are You Deep in The Weeds or Lost in the Vision
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Have you ever found yourself so deep in the weeds of a project—obsessing over formatting, email wording, or a specific calendar invite—that you forgot why you were doing the project in the first place? Or perhaps you’ve been on the other side: dreaming up grand, visionary ideas but failing to execute the basic steps needed to bring them to life?

Margaret and David call this: Navigating the Noise.  Or, Mastering the Balance Between Details and Context

In leadership, and frankly, in life, we are constantly toggling between these two states. On one hand, we have the “particles”—the minutiae, the details, the little tasks that keep the engine running. On the other hand, we have the “space”—the context, the vision, the big picture.

The challenge isn’t choosing one over the other; it’s learning how to navigate the tension between them without losing your mind.

The Pull of the Particles

“Particles” are the granular details of existence. They are the grocery lists, the tech support tickets, the specific data points in a spreadsheet, or the logistics of a meeting.

Our brains often gravitate toward particles because they are tangible. There is a specific satisfaction in checking a box or solving a concrete problem. Many leaders pride themselves on their ability to manage these details. They know exactly where the files are stored and catch typos in the slide deck.

However, getting lost in the particles has a cost. When you are hyper-focused on the minutiae, you risk losing the narrative arc of what you are trying to achieve. It’s like telling a story but getting so bogged down in remembering whether an event happened on Labor Day or Memorial Day that you forget the point of the story altogether.

If you operate solely in the land of particles, you might be efficient, but you might also be running in the wrong direction.

The Voids of Vision

On the flip side, we have “space.” This is the realm of vision, context, and strategy. It’s the ability to see the horizon, understand a team’s emotional arc, and hold the “why” behind the work.

Leaders who naturally inhabit this space are often inspiring. They paint a compelling picture of the future. But without a handle on the particles, they can become frustrating to work with. They might be great at giving a rousing speech but terrible at giving clear instructions or delegating specific tasks.

Vision without execution is just a hallucination. If you live entirely in the space, you might see the beautiful sunset, but you’ll forget to check what time the sun actually sets, meaning you miss the show entirely.

Finding the “Yes, And” in Leadership

So, how do we reconcile this? It is not an either/or proposition; it is a “yes, and.”

Effective leadership requires a fluidity between these two states. You need the vision to set the course (space), but you also need the discipline to ensure the ship is fueled and the map is correct (particles).

Most of us have a natural preference. You might be a “particle person” who loves lists and order, or a “space person” who loves ideas and flow. The goal is not to change who you are but to stretch your capacity to handle the other side.

Strategies for the Particle-Averse

If you are someone who loves the big picture but feels overwhelmed by details, you don’t have to suffer.

  • Create Systems: Use tools that work for you. If a digital app feels like a cage, use an analog index card and a specific pen that brings you joy.
  • Bookend Your Time: Don’t force yourself to do administrative work for eight hours. Commit to 15 minutes. Often, just starting is the hardest part.
  • Ask for Help: Leverage the people around you. If details aren’t your zone of genius, find a team member for whom they are a zone of excellence.

Strategies for the Space-Averse

If you love details but struggle with the fuzzy nature of people and vision:

  • Recognize the Human Element: Remember that people are not particles. You cannot manage a relationship the same way you manage a spreadsheet.
  • Lift Your Head Up: Periodically pause your detailed work to ask, “What is the story here? What is the ultimate goal?”
  • Practice Empathy: Understand that not everyone processes information linearly. Your need for detailed notes might make others anxious, just as their lack of notes makes you nervous.

Embrace the Balance

Ultimately, whether you are managing a corporate merger or just trying to get dinner on the table, you are dancing between details and context.

Don’t beat yourself up if you naturally lean one way. Instead, recognize your default setting. When the noise of the particles gets too loud, step back into the space. When the vision feels too abstract, ground yourself in a concrete task.

By mastering this balance, you don’t just become a better leader; you become a more integrated, effective human being. And that is a particle of wisdom worth holding onto.

Ep 168: The Space Between No Longer and Not Yet

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Fundraising Leadership
Fundraising Leadership
Ep 168: The Space Between No Longer and Not Yet
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In this reflective episode, Margaret and David explore the concept of liminality: the space of “no longer and not yet.” It is a profound psychological state that affects us all, whether you are between jobs, recovering from a major life event, or shifting the very identity of your business. As leaders, we are often programmed to seek solidity, plans, and clear direction. We struggle to let ourselves float. Yet, as we discuss in this episode, sitting in that discomfort is often where the most necessary growth occurs.
The Feeling of In-Between
Have you ever found yourself standing in a darkened hallway, staring at a closed door behind you, while the window ahead hasn’t quite cracked open yet? That uncomfortable, groundless feeling where the old is gone but the new hasn’t arrived? That, my friends, is liminal space. And while our instinct as high-performing leaders is often to rush through the darkness to find the light switch, what if the real work—the deep work—happens right there in the pause?
A New Chapter for the Show
We are living this lesson in real-time with you. After a year of sitting in our own liminal space—debating, reflecting, and waiting for that lightning strike of clarity—we are thrilled to announce a significant evolution for this show. We are officially retiring the “Fundraising Leadership” name in 2026 to make way for The Leadership Deep Dive.
Why the Change?
Why the change? We realized that our conversations with you have evolved beyond functional skills. We are interested in the subterranean aspects of leadership—the mindset shifts, the emotional intelligence, and the courage required to lead authentically. This change isn’t just cosmetic; it represents a commitment to leaving behind surface-level advice.
Embracing Transition and Reflection
As we stand on the precipice of a new year, we also share our personal strategies for tolerating the unknown. How do we stop fighting the current and instead greet this transition period as a friend? We invite you to join us in a simple yet powerful practice inspired by Positive Intelligence: acknowledging what you are proud of from the past year. It doesn’t have to be a grand metric of success. For David, the victory was the hard-won lesson of patience during a grueling recovery from knee surgery. For Margaret, it was finding delight in stability and focus after years of turbulence.
Finding Gifts in the Struggle
We also tackle the difficult art of finding the gift within the struggle. We often say life happens for us, not to us, but living that truth is difficult. Sometimes, the business slows down so you can finally prioritize your physical healing. Sometimes, a passion project needs to stay in the drawer so you can clear the mental space for something even better. These aren’t failures; they are the wisdom of the liminal space protecting us until we are truly ready.
The Power of the Pause
So, before you rush to set those aggressive goals for 2026, pause with us. What are you leaving behind? What is waiting to be born? And can you find the courage to just sit in the dark for a moment longer, trusting that the window will open exactly when it’s meant to?
An Invitation to Dive Deeper
Join us for this honest, vulnerable conversation as we dive deep into the uncomfortable, beautiful space of becoming.

Ep 168: Radical Acceptance

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Fundraising Leadership
Ep 168: Radical Acceptance
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The phrase “radical acceptance” scares people. We get it—it sounds extreme. It sounds like you’re about to overthrow a government or dye your hair neon green. But when we use the term “radical acceptance,” we choose it intentionally.

Margaret and David choose it because true acceptance is a radical act. It goes against our instincts to fight, to fix, or to control outcomes.

Recently, Margaret wrote a brilliant article about her journey with her aging father. It sparked a conversation between us that we think every leader, manager, and human being needs to hear. Whether you’re dealing with a difficult parent, a toxic boss, or just the indignities of aging, radical acceptance might be the key to unlocking a peace you didn’t know was possible.

What is radical acceptance really?

Let’s clear up a misconception: acceptance isn’t about liking the situation. It’s not about condoning bad behavior or becoming a doormat. You can accept that a problem is happening while still believing deep down that you have the power to protect yourself.

Radical acceptance is about acknowledging reality precisely as it is, without the filter of how you wish it were.

Margaret shared a powerful story about her father. As he aged, he became grumpier and less tolerant. Their interactions left her wrecked for days—flooded with emotion and completely drained. She loved him and didn’t want to end the relationship, but it was hurting her.

When she asked her therapist for help, the advice she got was shocking: “Margaret, what do you have to put down to stay in this relationship?”

The answer tumbled out of her before she could think: “Hope.”

She had to put down the hope that he would change. The hope that he would apologize. The hope that he would suddenly become the father she wanted him to be. That is the “radical” part. It means stopping the internal negotiation where you think, If I say the right thing, they’ll finally understand.

The Squirrel Strategy

So, what does this look like in practice? Margaret’s therapist gave her a quiz. “If you’re on the phone with him and he starts being mean, what are you going to do?”

Margaret’s initial instinct—like many of us with a “pleaser” background—was to stand up for herself. “I’m going to tell him he can’t talk to me that way.”

Her therapist smiled gently and said, “Margaret, telling someone they can’t talk to you that way sounds a lot like you’re still hoping you can change how they talk to you.”

Instead, she offered a different tool: The Squirrel Strategy.

The advice was simple: If the conversation goes south, say, “Dad, I just ran over a squirrel. I gotta go,” and hang up the phone.

(For the record, Margaret never actually ran over a squirrel. It was a metaphor.)

This is about protecting yourself when you are flooded. When we are triggered, our higher brain functions go offline. We can’t respond skillfully. The kindest thing you can do for yourself—and the relationship—is to remove yourself from the situation until you can find your footing again.

Applying radical acceptance at work

You might be thinking, That’s great for family drama, but I can’t tell my CEO I ran over a squirrel during a board meeting.

Fair point. But the principle remains the same.

In the workplace, we often encounter “annoying” colleagues or demanding bosses. We spend enormous amounts of energy wishing they were different. We think, if only he would prepare for meetings, or if only she weren’t so critical.

That resistance is exhausting.

If you have a colleague who checks their phone throughout every meeting, you have choices. You can sit with resentment (resistance). You can try to change them (often futile). Or, you can radically accept that this is just who they are.

When you accept it, you stop taking it personally. You free yourself from the afflictive emotions of anger and frustration. You realize that their behavior is about them, not you.

Acceptance leads to freedom

Radical acceptance is not for the other person; it’s for you.

When Margaret stopped fighting her father’s reality, something shifted. The relationship didn’t become a fairytale, but the tension evaporated. She could spend time with him without getting wrecked. She found peace by changing the only part of the engine she had control over: herself.

This applies to everything—traffic jams, health issues, and aging. David recently woke up with an ocular migraine that left him feeling miserable. Part of him wanted to rail against it, to be angry that my day was ruined. Instead, he accepted it. This is what is happening right now. He wasn’t trying to fix it or fight it. And immediately, the suffering lessened.

We invite you to reflect on your life. Where are you resisting reality? Is it a circumstance, a relationship, or perhaps a part of yourself?

What would happen if you set aside the hope that it will change and instead let it be? You might find that when you stop fighting reality, you finally have the energy to navigate it.

Ep 167: Is Your Life Messy Enough

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Fundraising Leadership
Ep 167: Is Your Life Messy Enough
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In this episode of the Leadership Deep Dive, Margaret and David ask a provocative question: “Is Your Life Messy Enough?”

Life (and leadership) isn’t meant to be neat, tidy, and perfectly ordered—it’s meant to be lived.

We celebrate the chaos, the curveballs, and the unexpected detours that shape who we are. 

We dive into stories of resilience, creativity, and growth, showing how embracing the mess can unlock deeper meaning, stronger connections, and surprising joy.

From personal anecdotes, we explore the beauty in imperfection and the power of navigating uncertainty with courage.

Whether you’re juggling careers, relationships, or just the everyday whirlwind, this episode reminds you that the mess isn’t something to fix—it’s something to embrace.

So ask yourself, “Is your life messy enough?”

 

Ep 165: Permission to Retreat

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Ep 165: Permission to Retreat



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When was the last time you gave yourself permission to retreat?

In this thoughtful episode, David and Margaret explore the transformative power of stepping away. During the recording of the podcast, David was mid-way through his own retreat. He took  a few days for himself to travel to the mountains of Colorado (one of his favorite spots) to enjoy the changing leaves and some quiet time.

Our hosts explore some of the many ways of going on retreat—whether it’s escaping to mountain solitude, better sleep rhythms, or setting aside time for creativity.

How Do You Know It’s Time To Take Some Time?

Last month, the daylight rhythms switched so that there are more dark hours than hours of light each day. Margaret shares that she had a conversation on the solstice which invited us to find permission to curl up and enjoy the pull towards stillness that can accompany shorter days.

David chose to plan some time away after he noticed having a strong urge to have a change in climate and environment. He knows that giving himself permission to get away puts fuel in his tank.

Margaret knows it’s time to schedule some quiet time when she recognizes when her capacity for joy starts to diminish and she starts to avoid tasks that feel boring or challenging (more than usual).

Is There Such a Thing as a “Sleep Retreat”?

David swears by eight (or more) hours of sleep (and the science behind it). Our hosts wonder: could listeners benefit from commiting to a weeklong or even a weekend “retreat” that includes a commitment to 8 hours of sleeping?

David is a fan of beginning his night when the sun goes down.

Other Ideas To Retreat — Even from Home

David and Margaret explore how even brief retreats can restore your creative spark — even if travel or solitude for several days is not possible. Here are a few of their ideas:

  • Say no to something in service of honoring your Inner Introvert
  • Journaling
  • Walking in nature or spending an afternoon on the beach or near a lake or stream
  • Saying yes to connection and deep conversation with good friends
  • Julia Cameron in her book The Artist’s Way offers many creative suggestions to retreat to self
  • Painting, knitting, making soup — or other activities that feel relaxing or restorative
  • Watching movies that make us laugh or move us can be an escape OR curling up with a book — whatever feels like a better choice for you!

If Your Team Needs Time Away Together …

Our hosts also suggest that if your team needs a rejuvenating experience, they work in organizations seeking to build trust through organizational retreats. Through shared experiences and intentional boundaries, we can cultivate an environment where rest becomes a catalyst for growth and creativity. These moments of pause can rejuvenate not just individuals but entire teams, fostering a culture of innovation and resilience.

When we create moments for reflection and rejuvenation, we lay the groundwork for more meaningful contributions to both personal and professional spheres. The harmony between rest and action becomes a delicate but rewarding balance that sustains us over time.

In conclusion, our hosts invite listeners to think about how they might slow down in service of clarity, rest and perspective.

Ep 164: The Great Collision

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Ep 164: The Great Collision



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Margaret and David welcome guest Graeme Watt, a principal at Anthem Creative, to discuss the “Great Collision” of tech and traditionally late adopters in the nonprofit sector. Graeme’s career has straddled both nonprofit and for-profit work — and has kept a close eye on the adoption of technology — or lack thereof — that may portend big problems in the nonprofit space.

Graeme asks the question, “Will tomorrow be more digital than it is today?” If the pace of digital transformation continues to accelerate, as it promises to do, it will have some significant  implications for nonprofit leaders.

The “great collision” refers to the multiple technological revolutions, any one of which alone would be transformative. But multiple revolutions are happening at once. Graeme discussed the rapid advancements in AI, blockchain, digital currencies, humanoid robotics, and biotechnology, all of which are emerging and all of which are likely to have implications for fundraising organizations and society.

AI In Fundraising?

Most of us are at least beginning to understand the personal applications of AI. Our hosts explore how these technologies could be applied within nonprofit organizations.

Idea #1: Nonprofit Efficiency

Graeme notes that in most nonprofit settings, the mission is large and the resources are few. That leads to considering how the potential of AI to automate administrative tasks might improve efficiency for nonprofit organizations. How might AI allow staff to focus on donor relationships and mission-critical work that is best done by humans?

David wonders about how AI tools might aid in data analysis and donor management. He opines that having tools to streamline call report processes, something that could convert handwritten or voice-recorded notes into digital files for easier database entry, would be a great example of using AI for fundraising in a way that frees up humans.

Idea #2: Using Tech To Improve Donor Retention 

Graeme discussed the challenges of donor retention in the nonprofit sector and highlighted the potential of technology and automation to create a “donor journey.” He emphasized how AI could be a great tool to help personalize donor experiences with interactions, surveys, etc., about their preferences and articulating what they care most about. AI could then use these preferences to nurture donors from their first gift so that they continue giving.

David agreed and added that automation could be beneficial for both annual and major gift donors, though human interaction remains crucial for major gifts.

They also touched on the use of technology for donor prospecting and qualifying donors for major giving conversations.

Idea #3: Refining Donor Engagement

Graeme discussed the implementation of new digital fundraising tools that use SMS and text messaging to improve donor engagement and qualification for major gifts. It’s going much better —  achieving higher completion rates — than traditional email methods.

Margaret shares that she has learned many new ways to use AI personally in conversations with friends who use it creatively. She suggests that nonprofits could benefit from sharing more AI applications and use cases to foster collaboration. To that end, Graeme plans to launch a podcast on that very topic, highlighting use examples to facilitate knowledge exchange.

In case your imagination hasn’t yet been stretched, Graeme shares that in board governance and fundraising, he’s been following an autonomous AI agent serving as an advisor and ambassador for Rainforest-alliance.org.

Idea #4: Can AI Replace or Assist Events?

While many fundraisers agree that events and galas may not be the best or most efficient way to raise money, they may retain an important role in human connection. Our hosts encourage “gala killing” when appropriate, and considering how more and more effective digital campaigns might yield more gifts.

But if nonprofits are having events, Graeme encourages listeners to think about using digital tools to extend the impact of live events, engaging more donors post-event.

Something To Try

Graeme shared a practice from his company. where they have introduced an “AI Hour” as a way to encourage staff to explore and utilize AI tools. This practice has increased productivity and reduced fear around AI. Graeme suggested that nonprofits consider adopting a similar program and include a digital plan and corresponding budget in their financial planning.

Ep 163: Naming the Elephant in the Room

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Ep 163: Naming the Elephant in the Room



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What is the impact of ignoring versus naming the elephant in the room?

Margaret reported that she had hoped to feel energized and rested after the 3-day Labor Day weekend. But thanks to a run-in with a (metaphoric) elephant, that’s not what happened.

In this episode, David and Margaret share how those elephants — in this case, unspoken emotions — can impact us. They explored the challenges and benefits of naming the elephant in the room.

To Name or Not To Name: Emotions in Group Settings

Margaret shared how she spent part of the long weekend: attending a 95th birthday party for Margaret’s partner’s grandfather. She reported that the occasion left her both joyful … and exhausted. Despite the sweetness and celebration of the occasion, at which the birthday celebrant was grateful and remarkably present and sharp, Margaret felt a proverbial unnamed elephant in the room.

She and her partner later reflected on the elephant, which was much unspoken sadness and anticipatory grief that many of the family members present at the gathering seemed to be feeling, even though the occasion was technically cheerful. The birthday man was one of the few who openly acknowledged the event’s significance given his age — and the fact that there might not be too many more parties like this one for his birthday.

David suggested that sometimes naming emotions in such situations is clarifying and helps people process them. Naming unspoken truths and emotions is generally a good strategy, in safe contexts, but it also depends on who is present.

Margaret expressed uncertainty about whether others at this specific party would have been comfortable with such openness.

They explored the broader question of how to address elephants in the room and agreed that naming emotions is generally helpful — even if such naming might first create discomfort and vulnerability before it creates safety.

What About Organizational Elephants?

David and Margaret discussed the challenges and benefits of addressing unspoken fears and emotions in organizational settings.

There is a lot of anxiety on many of the fundraising teams and leaders our hosts speak with. Many are worried about missing goals and falling short.

In an organizational setting, it falls often to the leader to take the initiative and share their own fears first. They explored how when a leader names and acknowledges their own feelings, particularly through personal “I” statements, it can create safety and encourage open dialogue with others on the team.

They noted how rare this approach is in organizational cultures, in part because for such conversations to be effective, there must be high levels of trust. David has worked with a team that did reach this level of trust, and they were able to be vulnerable and “clear” what was on their minds. He recalls how sharp that exercise made them, and how present they could be to the business at hand after they cleared.

Building Trust and Resolving Conflict

David and Margaret discussed the importance of addressing and managing difficult emotions and issues within teams big and small. They share about their own experiences when such exercises turned out to be a very important use of the time — sometimes more important than the pre-existing agenda. They shared personal experiences of how acknowledging and processing emotions can lead to more productive meetings and better team dynamics.

If your team needs help creating a culture that has the skills to address those elephants, our hosts offer a two-consecutive-half-day training program called “Growing Together Through Trust, Candor, and Conflict” to help teams build trust and handle disagreements effectively. They encouraged listeners to reach out for coaching or share their own strategies for dealing with elephants in the room.

Ep 162: Back to School

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Ep 162: Back to School



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Summer’s Over …

David and Margaret explored the dynamics of heading back-to-school — including the anxiety.

They noticed that the parents they have had contact with seem to sometimes experience more anxiety than their children at the prospect of school starting up again, even as the children’s transition back to school is often smooth. And our hosts wonder why this might be.

They speculated about a few causes, including that it might relate to remembering their own anxiety about school.

David shared his personal experiences with school, including challenges in elementary and high school, and suggested that institutional education was not always a positive environment for him. And Margaret remembered feeling a lot of hyperachiever pressure as a child, wanting to be noticed and liked by her new teachers every fall.

Balancing Academics and Social Well-Being

Many parents long for their children to achieve a lot in school — and many have big dreams for their children to go to great colleges. Others want their children to make great friends, to fit in and to be happy. Our hosts wonder: is it possible to check all those boxes at once? Can our children stand out AND fit in all at the same time?

Modern culture often pressures parents to prioritize academic success over other important life skills.

They also touched on the concept of “avoiding” as a common saboteur behavior — and its relevance to parenting. This might look like people who go to great lengths to avoid conflict, including even unpleasant or uncomfortable conversations. And it might be relevant for parents who are struggling with kids who have learning differences.

Dyslexia Awareness and Learning Differences

David shared his personal experience of having an undiagnosed learning difference, specifically with dyslexia. That made both reading and taking tests very difficult for him, as it does for many, many other children. These days, he is a prolific writer and has discovered a new way to read by listening to audiobooks — but school always felt very hard to him. He discussed the importance of recognizing and supporting learning differences in children, noting that more resources are available now than when he was in school.

Margaret talks about the idea of “school brain,” meaning the ways some of our brains are very well suited to how most schools teach — while other kids can be equally smart but struggle with a mismatch in how they process and receive information.

Having had our own learning differences or knowing our children are struggling can spike parents’ anxiety this time of year as their kids head back to school.

The two of them both feel inspired by both the growing movement on LinkedIn, where neurodivergent individuals are claiming their identities and advocating for themselves as well as the evolution of education systems and the recognition of different types of intelligences beyond just rational and analytical skills.

A Hug Doesn’t Make it Worse

David and Margaret discussed the benefits of hugging, citing scientific studies that show hugging boosts the immune system and lowers anxiety.

Next Steps

  1. Listeners who identify with having an “avoider saboteur” can reach out to Margaret or David for PQ coaching.
  2. Here’s a link to the science of longer hugs — at least 20 seconds is optimal.
  3. Go hug someone for a minute.

Ep 161: Finding Gifts and Opportunities in Difficult Circumstances

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Ep 161: Finding Gifts and Opportunities in Difficult Circumstances



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547 Requests for Juice: Annoying or Funny?

Margaret and David discussed the importance of finding gifts and opportunities in difficult circumstances. The topic for this podcast came from a post Margaret wrote for LinkedIn.

The story was about her then-toddler son’s persistent request for juice that felt quite trying at the time, but ultimately became a family joke. Margaret was struck by how sweet and funny it felt in the retelling.

It prompted our hosts to ask: what other episodes from your past might be ready to re-file from difficult to containing a gift or opportunity.

This exercise aligns with their Positive Intelligence coaching program (PQ). The work of PQ, among other things, encourages  leaders to overcome self-sabotaging tendencies like being a controller or pleaser. Through the lens of PQ, Margaret wondered if her strong people pleaser back then benefitted from having to say no to her son 547 nights in a row.

What If It’s Really Difficult To Find the Gifts?

The two discussed the challenges of moving on from past relationships and the process of healing from emotional pain. Sometimes, when we look back at a difficult episode or story, it feels only like touching a bruise. It still feels tender and painful.

David reflected on his challenging graduate school experience. The difficult memory has made it a long process for him to find the gifts. Ultimately, this era in his life led to significant personal and professional growth. He realized he didn’t love engineering and made a career shift toward people-oriented roles.

Many people also struggle to let go of relationships that have ended.  One way to process is to look back at what we loved about the relationship to create a list of “Things I Want in My Next Relationship.” Conversely, we can add negative aspects to our list of dealbreakers.

David acknowledged his difficulty in seeing the gift in relationships that have ended. He knows  ending relationships can open up space for something new, but that still feels more theoretical than gift-like. He talked about still feeling “the tail” that’s left behind, which is really just grief.

Along with the grief, Margaret talks about the way that she sometimes has felt powerless and child-like when she hasn’t been in choice about ending a relationship. She talks about how she’s learning to soothe this historic charge.

Another Opportunity To Practice Self Compassion

David and Margaret discussed the importance of practicing self-compassion. That might be as simple as reminding ourselves that we are human, that something still hurts. It also looks like silencing the voice that tells us we “should” get over something. Self compassion means being kind and gentle to ourselves when we are hurting.

Other  helpful tools include curiosity, gentle self-reflection, and patience. Margaret recalled a challenging past episode in her life in which she applied for and did not get a job she really wanted. She talks about the feeling of hating what it felt like at the time, but also being able to trust that there would be something positive that would come from it, even though she couldn’t see what that might be at the time.

How Do I Start Looking for Gifts?

Our hosts offer one more tool for finding gifts and opportunities in difficult circumstances. David introduced the concept of shifting from a “to me” mindset to a “for me” perspective. This might look like asking oneself this inquiry: What if my life was happening FOR me as opposed of TO ME? How might I see this differently?

They also briefly touched on plans for hosting a retreat in Colorado to further explore these themes.

Finally, they discussed the practice of harvesting energy from difficult emotions, rather than denying or repressing them. They explored how anger, for example, can serve as a catalyst for setting boundaries or taking action. They encouraged listeners to try these practices and offered information about an upcoming retreat.