When I was a child my father would say, “Nneka, the good Lord gave you two ears and one mouth, so listen twice as much as you talk.” I can remember as a little girl thinking hard about this and struggling with that part of me that is indeed a talker. As a teen, I often rolled my eyes (out of eyeshot of course!) and allowed his wisdom to run through one ear and out the other. As an emerging adult, I saw this adage as a practice and a way of creating enduring relationships with others. But as I sit amid my middle-aged adult life, I find myself returning to the contemplation of my childhood. I am learning that to listen well to others, I must first be able to hear and listen to myself. Turning the act of listening inward. And as I explore this new truth, I am surprisingly finding deeper wisdom, a rhythm and rest. [Read more…]

I’ve been practicing mindful self-compassion for a while now. It’s a program based on: The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook.

This work could not have come at a better time for me.  For most of my adult life, I had a strong inner critic that was harsh and judgmental.  

At one point, I labeled this voice “Sledgehammer” because sometimes it felt like I was beating myself up with one. 

As a result of some work called Positive Intelligence and the exercises in the Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook, I’ve turned down the volume on that harsh voice.  

[Read more…]

Back in 2019, when I still believed in planning and intention setting, I choose some words for 2020: potent, tender, and raw and real.

Those were good and beautiful words – and ones I still try to live by – but I didn’t bother choosing intention words heading into 2022. (The word for that turns out to be “prescient.”)

But because I am a word person, I do have a word that I want to embrace starting now.

It’s SURFING.

I don’t surf, personally, because I have a deep aversion to getting water up my nose and drowning, both of which seem inevitable when I consider paddling myself out into waves. Yet, there is something about the metaphor of it that feels pretty helpful right now. Sometimes we miss a wave we meant to catch. Sometimes we grab it and get an incredible ride that fills us with lightness and aliveness – even if it threatens to take away our footing. And sometimes, the wave clobbers us. And, then we blow the water out of our nose and climb back onto the board to try again.

And the question is, as leaders and humans, what do we need to reach for to go seek that next wave? [Read more…]

 

In this new year, I’ve been thinking about vulnerability as a strength. About the vital role it plays in emotional intelligence and good leadership. 

My Grandma passed away just before Christmas from COVID. She meant a great deal to me and may have had the single most impact on who I became as a person. I spent many hours at her home when I was young. We read Dr. Seuss books. We sang Burl Ives songs together and worked on puzzles. She bought me mini loaf pans and taught me to make bread. From her, I learned how to plant, harvest, and put up food.

Grandma was strong, smart, tenacious, kind, diligent, committed, thoughtful, and deeply caring. She was also afraid to be vulnerable much of her life. She could be hard, unbending. She always needed to be in control to feel safe. She taught me these things, too. [Read more…]

What is it that defines our innate humanity? 

Growing up with what many would consider severe Cerebral Palsy, great emphasis and attention was placed on my speech, or more precisely, how to make my speech understandable to others. 

This was a perspective taken by many of my doctors, therapists, teachers, and even parents. But nothing catalyzed this purview on life more than an admonishment by my first martial arts teacher after earning my black belt in Budo Taijustu.

“You must be clear and understandable to others if you want to be successful in this world,” he insisted.

As a college student in my early twenties, I had already spent years in pursuit of transforming my voice from what others often perceived a spastic set of disharmonic tones into a cohesive, crisp, and “normalized” pattern of speech. 

It was as if my manifestation of language was somehow incorrect and, simultaneously, it was my sole responsibility to transform it into a format that was understandable to others. Only years later did I realize that my persistent effort toward striving to fit in was ultimately the same effort that not only minimized my humanity but undermined my natural capacity to support others in their own learning. [Read more…]

Have you asked yourself what reconciliation means to you? What does it mean to your organization? Your family? For many, reconciliation has a deeply personal meaning, borne from our own history and knowledge.

I am a professional fundraiser and, in the fall of 2021, I opened a virtual fundraising school called The New School of Fundraising. It was very important to me to consider how my school could participate in the reconciliation movement that is happening within Canada but my drive for that came from a deeply personal connection.  

My Grandmother attended residential school from the age of three until she was eighteen. She did not leave at all during that time. I once read an excerpt from an interview where she spoke about watching the birds outside and wishing that she had wings so that she could fly away. The only thing is that even if she had wings, she had nowhere to fly to, nowhere to go.  She spoke very little of those years and our family always respected her privacy and wishes.

As a result of the extended time that my Grandmother spent in residential school my family had absolutely no connection to our culture, everything had been lost. It has taken me a long time to realize and fully appreciate what has been lost to myself and my family. I have spoken a lot about my own journey of “finding my way home” and as such, created a workshop for the school, titled Indigenous Protocols for Fundraisers, that would help myself and others on the journey. [Read more…]

Brought to you by the Fundraising Leadership Team  

Margaret: Can We Stop Talking About “The New Normal”, And Try Instead To “Live in Liminal”?

Last month, I celebrated the American Thanksgiving with my two sons and one of their friends. Since the end of my marriage two years ago, I have been deeply resistant to holidays. Ours is a family that loved and valued traditions – and I couldn’t quite let go of the tradition of the four of us all being at the table. So, for the past two years, we’ve found a way to combine forces.

This has had the positive effect of no one needing to have a major holiday without our sons. However, as anyone who’s ever had a relationship end also knows, it’s had many tick marks in the “negative” column, too.  My kids have reported – with accuracy – that it has felt tense and awkward. One of my sons even said it felt like there was something decaying in the room – the decomposing space of a marriage that hadn’t been allowed to burn fully to ash so that something new might (or might not) be possible.

This year, my ex-husband wisely said: let’s not. And he resourced himself with other family members, and I got to spend the day cooking and enjoying a meal of gratitude with my grown sons.

And I realized, the morning after Thanksgiving, as I finished putting away the wine glasses and reflected on a great night, what I had been missing out on by holding onto the comfort and familiar of what’s now the old. We had a lovely night, in which I got treated to my sons’ culinary talents and adventure (deep fried turkey!), as well as a way we danced together during cooking and cleaning that was as delightful as it was oddly unexpected. This is a new way my family looked this year, and even though it is likely to change without notice, I loved it. And I have taken years to be open to this delightful new version. [Read more…]

On October 18, 2018 I received the most frightening email of my professional leadership coaching career.

Maybe I should back up a little… 

Just one month before receiving the aforementioned email, I led my first Executive Function Coach training for the Los Angeles Unified School District. Knowing that Executive Function, which involves planning, prioritizing, impulse control, and other high-level forms of cognition, is a key predictor of life success, for the past 12 years the Edge Foundation has gone into school districts around the country, training adults to coach young people to maximize their personal and professional potential. The 12-hour experiential training is made up of parents, teachers, staff and volunteers who are committed to improving the lives of young people who struggle with various conditions ranging from ADHD, Advance Childhood Experiences (ACES), various learning disabilities and issues of displacement from stable housing/food insecurities to name a few. As a result of this training, these staff/volunteers then coach at least one student every week, for 20 minutes. [Read more…]

Having an agreed understanding of what a word means – a distinction – enables us to have different conversations, which can enable us to achieve better results. For example, back in 2019 relatively few people knew what a Zoom call was. Today, millions of us share that distinction.

One distinction I have found particularly helpful is the difference between a position and a stand.

A position is against something – a negative reaction to something we don’t agree with. We hear about this a lot these days in politics, in the news, and especially on social media. That’s largely because it’s relatively easy to say what we don’t agree with, to object to an idea or another person’s view. We can find ourselves triggered when we hear or read a comment we particularly don’t like. We experience a feeling that comes from somewhere deep inside, which seems to rise up from the stomach. But the very existence of a position depends on its counter-position. In other words, take that counter-position away and our position can no longer survive. [Read more…]